I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
You Might Also Like
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security