The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”