Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
You Might Also Like
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.