WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
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You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
do what now??
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone