I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me :
All Day At Night
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?