I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.


Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*


Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.


Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.


wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen


Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.


Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.


‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher


Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still