I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*jingles half the way*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.