My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Beauty and the Beast
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down