I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You Might Also Like
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
incredible text to wake up to
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?