I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*