I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Nice try, poison.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*