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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy