If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do