I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that鈥檚 trying to sneak up on you but you don鈥檛 realize they鈥檙e trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I鈥檓 carrying* no, of course not
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that鈥檚 not how this works
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
concern
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn鈥檛 work like that
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
There鈥檚 no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave 鈥榚m like we have a great deal of concern.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.