I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.