Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying