Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
A new level of troll.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs