[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Husband of the year 😂
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”