Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
all bases covered
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.