WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes