Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
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*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.