SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.