I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.