It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
screw you
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*