It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.