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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Who did it better?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.