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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
s
oc
i
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert