Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

I was just discussing this with my cat

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes