somewhere, in an alternate universe
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Breaking news:
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u