Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*