If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
this is so top tier i cant
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.