Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.