Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.