We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
boat question
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I can’t be the only one 😂
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.