[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old