My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I hope this email finds you in a well
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!