Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Looking at you, Jesus.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”