Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?