Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.