*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
(Musicians.)
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief