My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
lol
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team