me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
White Castle for the Win
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My love language is deader than Latin
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”