me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
what kind of cook setting is this??
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?