[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.