Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.