I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
i guess his teacher was really pissed
This makes total sense…
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.