“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.