Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
HELP 😭
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider