If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
No regrets in 2018
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My boss called in sick of me
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.