@funTweeters I am at your service….
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
#SaturdayBears
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12