That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food