Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”