Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Every BBC series about the universe.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins