the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
also my go-to takeaway order
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.