ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.